Shout out to Dr. Ross Greene! (12 min read)
Dr. Greene is a clinical psychologist with a rich resume including being on faculty at Harvard Medical school, Virginia Tech and a renowned writer and speaker. He is the originator of the CPS model of problem solving. Originally this model was focused on children whom struggle with Explosive Behaviors. However, this practice has been used in families, schools, inpatient psychiatric hospitals, residential treatment centers and so on, and a ton in my own home! I cannot praise this practice of problem solving enough! It works in the simplest moment and helps us avoid the bigger moments of explosion in our household. The basics of this plan are literally A, B, C. The gist of each one is fairly simple (A) plan is essentially when the parent makes a executive decision, (B) plan is when parents and child try to collaboratively solve a problem, (C) plan is where we try to figure it out at different time and set that issue aside for the moment.
Okay! So lets lets brainstorm on issues that you are having with your child. Think of a few things that seem to be some of the big issues that start the biggest interruptions or detrimental situations. For very traumatized children or children with diagnosis that need “extra support” behaviorally we will quickly understand from my other post on “Basic Needs and the Brain” that when a child is not responding well we can automatically assume they are unable to manage certain or many situations emotionally, whether it is not getting what they want, arguing, fighting and so on. Even some of the most extreme behavior is a big sign that your child does not have the tools to manage high emotive feelings and desires. This is fixable for many. You will hear me say over and over in my posts, “children act out for a reason, not because they are bad kids, there is always a reason behind the behavior.” I highly recommend reading, The Explosive Child Sixth Edition, by Dr. Ross Greene. However, for those of you who do not have time right now and need to jump in here is a quick 12 minute summary with some of my own “secret ingredients”! Here are some steps to start practicing CPS. Dr. Green recommends finding and defining problems. I too, recommend that, however, I like to use the word “triggers” as well. If we are able to see what problem lies before the behavior, we can almost begin to predict negative behaviors. If you understand major triggers to your child then a little planning or preparedness goes a long way. For example, right now we are on break from school for the Holidays. I know that we will begin to have moments of unrest, anxiety, dis-regulation and so on. What, may be some of the problems that the break poses for our family? The problem for us is, boredom creates more arguing, lack of schedule creates more anxiety, lack of attention creates negative behavior to obtain attention, and the list goes on. So, I am a little more prepared for the breaks now, as I have been doing this for 20 years and most of my kids are 4 years apart. So, I’ve learned to be more prepared as I have been parenting for a very, very, very long time. If I could insert a crying emoji right here I would! So I have begun to define the behaviors I’d like to see change and defined the problems that lead to the behavior. So your first step in the CPS behavioral plan is to begin to be aware and define the moments that lead to devastation. Now that you have thought and defined some of those, lets begin.
Lets talk about Plan A, B and C.
Plan A:
This is where a parent makes an executive decision. Meaning using the word “NO”. There are important times when we absolutely have to use the word “no”. For example, if your child wants to run across the street to get his basketball, this situation would be a hard “no”. However, that is not the “no”s I’m talking about. Those “hard no’s” are life and death “no’s”. Many no’s or correction come from a good place and good parenting however, if it is not life or death, the approach to the “no” is key. “No”, often causes all of us a little anxiety even adults! So, lets start to think about how we can re word “no” into solutions. If we try to avoid the word “no” when possible, and instead come to a solution that works for the best of all involved we come to our main goal, Plan B.
Plan B:
Is where we collaboratively try to solve a problem or come to a reasoned solution. So here, we avoid the word “no” or, in a moment that is starting to arise, I am prepared with a few sentences to start the process off on a great start. I will say, “okay son, we can find a solution”. What this statement does, is immediately gets their attention, with the idea of hope. Hope, gives us new thought abilities and helps us to process our thoughts better. Hope, also helps us all pay attention better. When there is hope, its a natural motivator to continue forward, we think, okay lets continue, there is light at the end of the tunnel. So lets say my 13 year old wants to spend the night at a friends house whom I do not know well and I’m not feeling great about, or actually I may even be feeling like, this is a very bad idea. I would say: “Son, I’m not so sure I feel comfortable with that, can we talk it about it for a second to see if we can find a way to make something happen?” When really I want to say, “oh heck to the no” but I avoid saying that and go with the more appropriate statement. Then of course my son would complain and start to going into conversations that my parenting is too strict and so on. I remind him quickly, “I’m open to solving this, like really open, lets see if we can find a solution”. He then is listening, because his desire to spend time with his friend is high and he heard some hope in that sentence. So I say, “What about if your friend comes here this weekend and then, I get to meet him and his parents? I probably would then feel more comfortable with you going to his house later on?” I also always encourage parents to *sweeten the pot (more about this later). Before I explain what I mean to you about “sweetening the pot” we need to pause and I want to remind you about my post on “Parenting Paradigm Shift”. Often parents will say, “why sweeten the pot when my answer is just ‘no’?” Parents often say, “they need to do what I say, because I’m the parent, my house, my rules”, etc. I remind the parent of a quick thought, what is the goal here? The goal is to keep your son safe and your not feeling comfortable and you need to feel comfortable. To solve safety and comfort we are going to come up with a solution to get to our end goal while, still maintaining your child’s desire for some control as well as acknowledging their idea, while meeting the parents goals as well. The most important thing here is that your also maintaining your relationship with your child and teaching them very valuable skills such as patience, listening, communication, problem solving and good decision making because you are instilling a positive parent example. Its still a win,win its just not with the word “no”. Maintaining a good relationship with your child avoids a lot of problems down the road! When you have a very good relationship with your child they desire to please you and want to be close and also, are more willing to heed advice. My oldest son started me on this journey when he was around 5 or 6 he is now almost 20 and we are close! He had a a lot of qualities and behaviors that were probably diagnosable.. I could have labeled him in many categories. He had extreme needs and extreme behaviors. I am a Social Worker/therapist and I was like wait, my own kid is a mess, what is happening here! So, I started my own personal journey studying and reading parenting books and methods. This is one of a few that I use that has stuck with me, I was able to follow through with this plan, and it worked!
1st step: Statements to begin using:
“Okay can we talk about a solution that works for all of us”
“We can find a solution”
“We can work this out”
Step 2: Define your own concerns and thoughts and then do a think around to find a solution. Sometimes this may even involve discussions with your child that will include them in the problem solving process so you all can find the “win, win”. This is where *sweetening the pot helps as well. Read on for more on that below.
Plan C:
Okay moving on to plan C. Plan C is also important. Plan C is simple. It means okay we have to shelf this conversation and have it later. I’m not saying no, but we have to set that aside for a bit, because ______________. Sometimes if they can’t handle shelving the topic, then giving them a time to talk about it will help because that does what? Gives them hope.
Example:
A perfect example, is when I’m making dinner the house is chaotic, I call it the “evening evil hours”. But my 13 y/o son comes in and is like, “Mom, I neeeeeeed snap chat on my phone because so and so only talks to me on snap chat”. I’m like ummmmmmmm this is not a problem we can work through while I’m making dinner, the horses need to be fed, my oldest is trying to get to a pickle ball game and is upset because dinner isn’t ready, the 17 year old is trying to make his work out pre-mix thingy in the kitchen. Meanwhile, I’m also, literally, cooking dinner in the kitchen and he is now in my way! And, the 7 and 10 year old children are screaming at each other! Oh, and the dog just got out off the property! If only I was lying! So ya, not a good time to make a big decision. So, I quickly point out what is happening around us and say, okay when I get everyone settled come up and lets have a chat. This is “plan C”
Okay lets move on to my secret ingredients:
1.*Sweetening the pot
I call these ideas motivational parenting. Sweetening the pot. When we are in the midst of finding a solution and I really want them to come closer to my side of the thought process I will sweeten the pot. I will give them an additional benefit. Using the same example above when my son requested to spend the night at his friends house and I’m not comfortable with that an example would be me saying, “If y’all can come here for this evening then lets also try to hit the movies all together!” Or, maybe I remind him about the new x box game we just got or I state that we can make ice cream sundaes, or play games…or whatever may sweeten the idea to them! “Sweetening the pot”
2. Get and give.
Son says, “Mom, I want to have two friends over on Friday. “I say, okay I’m cool with that but your laundry that you haven’t done in two weeks needs to be done before tomorrow”. “Mom can you take me to the basketball high school game tonight?” “Yup! I can, as soon as you get that missing assignment in that I have been asking you to do the last two days.” He says, “Mom, I don’t have time before the game!” I say, “Okay well, when, I pick you up the first thing we do is sit down at the table and get it done, do you agree to do this?” I use as many requests my children make into opportunities. I also keep the tasks that I ask for, fairly doable, meaning not overwhelming. When your child struggles with overwhelm, its important that the tasks are small. For example, I may just ask them to pick up the trash in their room, maybe, not cleaning their whole room, for one request (get). Maybe even we say, “If you start to clean your room, and I’ll help you, then I’ll take you (give).” Its important that we don’t cause “overwhelm”. With many children, acting out, can come from feelings of anxiousness, overwhelm, embarrassment, shame, and fear these are toxic emotions. We want to avoid creating more of these toxic emotions. Make sure your “get” is something that will not implode back on you but will help motivate them to achieve their (give) and becomes a “win, win”.
3. Secret “no’s”
This is where I have to work a little harder to get the “no” to come into play. This is where I use all of my strategies at once, CPS model, discussing the consequences, and not avoiding the truths that may lie in the situation, ‘sweetening the pot’ ect. After I pull all my mommy tools out, I let them make their own decision. But, I let them know the consequence will probably still be there if they choose unwisely. However, they still have the choice. I still don’t say “no” but I do let them know that this will probably lead too some bad news for them later on. Example: My daughter says, “No! I’m not going to bed, I don’t want to!.” I say, “Okay honey, if your going to throw a fit I’m not going to argue with you much more, I”ll encourage you but I’m not going to argue, however, if you choose not to go to bed then tomorrow your going to lose something for your consequence. Its your choice. You also probably won’t feel well tomorrow and you will be tired/grumpy and then on top of it you won’t get any tablet time”. This is where I stick to my guns but also give them the opportunity to choose. Then a lot of times, I’ll…guess what, yup, sweeten the pot! I’ll say, “If you go to bed, I’ll read you an extra story or lay with you if you would like!” We avoid anymore arguing and I strengthen our relationship and ease any anxiety she may be having about going to bed. WIN WIN!! Sometimes however, even in the best moments they won’t want to do what we ask and then there does need some corrective actions put in place. But, when we can encourage our kids to make the best decisions and the more we avoid the useless arguments we preserve our relationships and strengthen their reasoning and problem solving skills.
4. Preemptive planning
Don’t forget to pre-plan. When you know you will be facing triggers, be mindful of their triggers and do what you can to find solutions to avoid them, or help them face them.
Good Luck, hang in there! Parenting is hard, relationships are hard but your time and energy you put up front with thoughtful parenting will help them and you in the long run! Don’t forget to read my post on Fear Based Parenting Vs. Strength Based Parenting!
Parent in the same place as you,
Susanna
Bringing Hope and Education to Youth and Adolescents in Today’s Society