Introducing Two Main Needs
Children have two core needs, belonging and significance. Take some time today to read about these two important needs of our children especially in today’s times.
Alfred Adler, was a well known philosopher and psychologist in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. Adler was the founder of the school of individual psychology, he placed heavy emphasis on relationships, feelings of belonging and significance, love, birth order and so much more. He even went as far as to state peoples’ worth is determined by what they are able to contribute to others. I’m not so sure that I completely agree, that our whole worth is based on what we contribute to others, however I do believe strongly from working with youth and families for over 25 years and raising five children, that strong, healthy relationships are what help our children create resiliency, self esteem, and the ability to love and care for others.
Recent statistics (reported from the CDC) state that almost half of students felt persistent sadness and hopelessness in 2023. Showing a dramatic decline in mental health. Experts are stating, with the new social media craze and other factors such as economics, stability, and hardships, will only continue to cause further mental health decline. Adler, firmly believed that we are all social beings and our mental health is affected by our social interactions amongst the systems in which they belong. Systems theory states that humans interact within five systems, individual, family, peer, community, school.
Eve: Lets talk about the very beginning of humanity. Whether you believe in God or not the story goes that Adam was lonely and God wanted him to have a companion and therefore he created him Eve. In the bible it says how delighted Adam was! It truly was the first story of companionship, it reflects God’s true intention for relationship, partnership, and mutual support. We truly are created for connection. So how do we do this? Here are some simple suggestions to help your child feel like they belong and are significant.
Support. Make sure your relationship with your child/ren is the most important factor of parenting. I will give lots of tips on my blog in future posts on how to keep your relationship strong and a priority. ‘Listening’ is our first way of connecting with your child. Be available to hear. Understand that if your child is struggling or acting out, there is a reason for every behavior. That reason is a way to connect with your child. Look for their reason.
Individual or family time. Positive experiences and time spent together make anyone feel significant.
Memories make memories. Get involved with their lives. Include their friends, encourage activities with friends. Find their talents, art, music, sports, crafts and encourage their friends to come get involved.
Plan for ways to help them feel significant. Build them up with encouragement! “Wow you are such a good helper, why don’t you come make ice cream sundaes for the family tonight, I think you would be the best at it”. “Wow you are so good with helping dad with work outside, I am so proud of you and what a good worker you are, would you like to be the first to learn to mow the yard?” Make them feel super special! Adler believed that encouragement is a key part of human development and a vital to being able to later contribute in society.
Love. Nurture! Nurture! Nurture! Snuggle, hold, read, be available. Tell them how much you love them. Show them through special treats, meet them for lunch at school, show up for their events, plan surprises.
Empathy- is beyond important. It is our children’s’ love language as they grow. Developing ways to listen and then respond with understanding and acceptance is healing and gratifying to the human soul. I encourage parents to empathize by matching their children’s emotions. If they are sad, you represent sad for them and with them, if they are angry you represent being upset and angry with them, sharing words like ‘that is not okay that happened to you’, ‘I agree’, that is awful. If they are happy we jump in their pool of happiness, be excited, jubilant, ecstatic! If they are embarrassed, listen and understand and comfort. Join them in their journeys by expressing a deep level of understanding.
*There are many situations where children with trauma exhibit extreme behaviors and it feels trying to meet these two needs. However, that only makes it more important to help them feel significant and belong! Children with trauma will need a heightened level of meeting these two needs as well as constant basic needs. Read my post on, Trauma, Basic Needs and the Brain Stem!
Carry on! Don’t give up! Look for solutions! I’m here in the same battle with you!
Just another parent trying to make it,
Susanna
Bringing Hope and Education to Youth and Adolescents in Today’s Society