Hurt people hurt others.
Scared children behave scary.
11 minute read
Right! We all know this! We are going to discuss shifting our parenting focus from demanding and high expectations (traditional parenting) to loving, understanding and connection (non-traditional). I’m going to jam a lot of facts in this article in one quick read! So hang in there with me! Once we begin to shift our focus and begin thinking how can I love my child through extreme behaviors or extreme negative responses, we will see dramatic positive behavior changes. Maybe, its even a small behavior that we see needs attention, such as, not following directions, throwing tantrums, disrespect or even just plain rebellious behavior. Either way, extreme or not extreme, lets begin! I wrote another blog on two very important needs that every child needs to feel, “Significant” and “Belonging”. Please read my previous article in order to help us move into our new ‘non traditional’ parenting role. Later I will place a link on this post for a tool to help self evaluate yourself and parenting style.
LOVE AND FEAR
I’m going to add to our understanding. In review, the most two important needs, “belonging and significance”, are huge as mentioned above! The next two I’m introducing is the two most basic primary emotions, “love and fear”. When I started to research and study models of parenting 15 years ago, I focused especially on parenting models that work best with children who have trauma. I ran across an author, Heather T Forbes. She’s outstanding! I would highly recommend buying her book Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control: Volume 1 and 2, and Dare to Love. She is a mother of two adopted children and has her LCSW as well! Her experience as a mother and mentoring others is outstanding and very helpful! So again, I am going to summarize multiple points that she and other important authors’ and doctors have shared. My goal is to give you thoughts, insight and solutions in short read articles. These are a much “easier reads” for those of you who are unable to capture the time to read an entire book or multiple books! However, I would still recommend you pick up a copy!
What is our end goal! This should be thought about deeply. Our end goal is to help our children be successful and able to be self sufficient with the tools and mentality needed to be the best that they are able to be! Also, alongside of this goal, we want a strong, healthy relationship with our children. Lets go back to the two primary emotions, Love and Fear. Heather T Forbes clearly indicated that it is important that we understand the Stress Model:
Bryan Post, Dr. Ross Green, Dr. Bruce Perry and Heather T. Forbes are some of my favorite parenting authors. Combine their work and its not only doable but life changing for your family!
Moving on. The point is very simple. Understanding that your child is acting out, due to being in a state of stress. How we respond understanding they are reacting out of stress, and most likely then fear, we can then move forward with a thoughtful response. Heather T Forbes was the first one, many, many years ago that helped me understand while working with my own children and clients that, “there is no such thing as willful disobedience or manipulation without first the seeds of fear and stress”. (Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control Vol 1, 2009). Read her quote again! Let it sink in! More importantly, please understand that the child is most likely unaware that they are feeling “stressed”, they are unaware of their own internal needs. I have read so many books on how our brains work! I will spare you the details on everything that I have read. However, I am going to put some things out there for you to have a basic understanding on how the brain works. Lisa Dion, wrote a book called Aggression in Play therapy and she did an outstanding job of explaining the ‘brain’.
FOUR BASIC THREATS
Even though, I know that most of my readers are not therapists, I felt she did the best explaining a lot of important points. And again, I’m not recommending you read all of the books that I have read over the past 25 years. I do recommend that you stick to the ones’ I’m recommending though! Lisa Dion, shares there are four basic threats
- Physical pain
- The unknown
- Incongruence in the environment
- “Shoulds” and “unrealistic expectations”
Okay, hang in there with me I’m combining four books into one blog! The four basic threats are perceived as stress to the brain especially, children with trauma, who are regularly UN-regulated. I share often in my sessions and in writing, kiddos with lots of trauma, constantly are acting out of the “red” meaning an un-regulated state, always on the look out for the next fear/stress moment. They are in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze (red) because their brain stem is so used to negative stimuli, the brain is constantly on the alert. Meaning their brain, has been trained to be on the alert and, while staying in the red, the brain is presuming a stress stimuli is coming whether it is, or it isn’t. The child’s trauma brain is prepared to be “ready”.
Our nervous system is made up of a sympathetic state (fight, flight and/or freeze) hyper aroused state, the parasympathetic, ventral-vagal response (mindful, regulated), or the dorsal parasympathetic state, our collapse response (giving up, numb, lethargic, depression, disassociation). PAUSE! CALM DOWN. (panic emoji, too much information) I WILL EXPLAIN: The main thing you need to understand is knowing that your child is dysregulated and is either is acting out of their sympathetic response or parasympathetic response due to a stress stimuli. Which, in one of these two states, they will have the primary emotion of FEAR. But, our goal is to get them to the ventral vagal response mode (regulated). Fear is the beginning of multiple behaviors. Anger is secondary feeling that goes back to the two primary emotions ‘love and fear’. Either they are not feeling loved or they are fearful. Especially, when they are experiencing anger we can know they are not feeling loved or experiencing fear or both! Wow, we just combined three authors! I want to add a side note that social media, and phones have caused a mass ton of chaos and even though we understand its not the ‘end all be all’ if we/they do not have our phones or electronics it causes a ‘fearful’ state for them. And, lets be honest, it does for us as adults too.
To summarize what you have learned so far, simply put, children are acting out negatively from a place of stress and fear. Trauma creates a heightened stress feeling in the brain and, the brain is always aware of stress stimuli (especially with traumatized children) and will even perceive non stressors as stress at times because the brain is in a state of arousal. They are responding out of a sympathetic state (fight, flight or freeze, or a para sympathetic state (disconnect).
Okay lets go back! Our original point of this article, is to change our parenting paradigm shift from traditional to non-traditional. We cannot do that without understanding the following. All negative behaviors are coming from a stress or fear response. Our children in the midst of their daily lives need to feel significant and belonging. We understand that there are four basic threats to the brain that can cause stress and fear. We also understand while a child is facing stress they still have two main emotions love or fear. In a stressed moment fear will initiate secondary emotions. Hyper aroused (sympathetic system-fight, flight and/or freeze, hyper aroused state) or dorsal parasympathetic state for our collapse response (giving up, numb, lethargic, depression, disassociation, disconnected, lack of ability to communicate, shut down). Are you still with me!?
Okay so our shift is going to look like taking the little bit of knowledge I gave you above to a non-dominating parenting style, why? Because, we now understand that our children are struggling not only emotionally but within their brain function. Our goal is to now try to get them into a state of regulation without punishment, blame, shame, more fear and more stress. Heather T Forbes quotes it best, “It takes positive interactions and a positive environment to calm a child’s reactive stress state”. (Beyond Consequences, 2009) And, may I also add, presence, acceptance and relationship to this recipe to calm a stress/reactive state. She goes even further in her book, into multiple traditional view points and non traditional view points, on lying, stealing, hoarding, aggression and lack of eye contact. Please pick up a copy if you have time! Thank you Heather T. Forbes for your helpful and amazing insight!
AWARENESS
When we understand and are aware that our children are causing our own stress response to be initiated in our brain as well, we too, will respond out of fear naturally. That fear will turn into emotions which, turn into responses that include: shame, blame, need for control, and aggressive parenting. (Coming soon, “Fear Based Parenting”) We now understand, that not only our children’s brains respond in a certain way, ours does too!!!!! Be aware of your own triggers and emotions One, wise mom, once shared with me, if you are not enjoying your children, its time to be mindful that something is quite off with them and most likely with you as well.
- Learn to love in a negative moment. Love means listening, being present, and being okay with where they are at, in the moment.
- Change your thoughts from, they are acting out and being disobedient, too, they are stressed and fearful. How can I help ease the stress while still setting appropriate boundaries.
- Read my article on Collaborative Problem Solving and start using this method of problem solving at every chance you get.
- Know, that your child needs to believe that we will listen and meet their needs. When we meet emotional and basic needs, while staying calm, their brain stem learns a new response from “red” to “blue” (knowing that they will have their needs met). And, a solution is reachable. (When we can understand their fear and stress, then we can find solutions and provide a nurturing response that will ease their negative, self protective, brain response).
- Use regulating techniques: (More on this coming soon as well, (“Regulating Techniques”)
- Collaborative problem solving
- Comfort/nurture
- Distraction
- Play
- Rewards
- Physical activity that is playful not punitive
- Change of scenery
- Be creative and thoughtful
- Prepare for situations that may cause stress. Only invite them into a stressful stimuli if a solid plan is in place for you and your child.
- Be aware of your own needs and emotive state and need for regulation.
- Receive counseling to address your own needs. All of us naturally respond in ways that mimic how we were responded too as children. This is important we are aware of our own past and how it relates to our present.
Traditional parenting uses heavy consequences, punishments as a corrective behavioral tactic. Non-traditional uses knowledge, love, regulation techniques, and unique parenting tools to achieve the same goal as traditional. But, if you move into the new understanding of how your child’s brain works, and how trauma has affected them, you can also maintain a strong relationship with your child. In the long run, a strong relationship with your child will be more meaningful and enjoyable than a confrontational relationship that will cause more pain, stress and fatigue. Control is not your goal! Relationship, connection, being present, nurturing responses with a problem solving approach, will lead to a strong, resilient child.
PARENTING STYLE
Type of parenting styles: Here is a tool to use to evaluate where you and your partner stand with parenting.
I very much dislike the word “Authoritative” so for this article we will emphasize the word “coaching” instead.
- Coaching (Our goal) “Authoritative”
- Authoritarian (Not our goal)
- Permissive (Need to move into more coaching and boundaries to provide a consistent environment)
https://www3.cde.ca.gov/pem/module2/story_content/external_files/ParentingStyleQuestionnairev8.pdf
I also want to share a link to an amazing parenting course, that has their own version of a parenting awareness tool, to help us understand our own parenting style. This course has a multitude of other support and education around parenting that I will talk about often in other articles. I have loved Amy Mc Cready’s approach that follows along this new parenting paradigm shift. Positive Parenting Solutions is an outstanding online course! Thanks, Amy, I personally loved your course and it falls right in line with my own successful belief systems and theologies!
Hang in there from me to you! Don’t give up!
Susanna
Bringing Hope and Education to adolescents/youth and families in today’s society.